Every day is a little different

Hand-tinted photo of an old Kim boyfriend (me)

Such a difficult morning. I made a foray through a very old box of Kim photos, a box she kept that were her memories, to be separate from our family photos. I bumped into the box years ago, tucked away in a cabinet in the garage, when we were on a hunt for some missing thing or other. I glanced at the photos in the box and recognized this was not really my business and put it back. I have avoided the box over the years because of the photographic presence of some old boyfriends and adventures before Kim and I were a couple. I had actually forgotten the box until today when I was in the garage doing laundry, it just popped into my mind.

Some very endearing Kim photos appear in the previous blog entry from today (below). There is nothing unhuman or uniquely original about what I am experiencing, but there is no way that I can relate this to you that would give you knowledge of what I experience. The emotions come out just crazy like a knocked over fire hydrant. And I confess I shredded photos of one of the ex-boyfriends, a friend of mine who turned enemy and still evokes much pain.

One very unexpected influence of looking at these photos of young Kim was that it put me emotionally back to the time when I met her, when I didn't have 30 years of marriage as a perspective on our relations, when I had the strong attraction to her but it seemed very unlikely that she would ever "pick me" over the handsome, attractive guys she was with. It felt like impossible gambling, so precious and right and so unlikely; there was that edge evoked today that was so prevalent for me during those early years. There were a lot of obstacles for us when we met and in the several years after.

The picture of her on the beach evokes for me the feel of the hot sand and the smell of the ocean and the sound of the waves from the many times we snuck off to a little hidden spot in Malibu. These photos put me back there and put me in touch with the very young and attractive girl who swept me away for the rest of my life.

...And the parts of the days, too, are different. The morning went one way, the afternoon went another. I met with some old and new friends in the afternoon together for talking about how we are doing and how our lives are going, and got a chance to speak one-on-one with one of those friends later over coffee. I feel much better after getting together with good people who care about each other and know, as well as understand, what is going on in each others' lives. One friend had just spent the morning with a good friend while she passed away; she shared some helpful experience and strength and some useful grief counseling flyers. (Thank you, see you soon.) Now I'm off for dinner with another good friend. The weather is fine, she suggested we go somewhere we can eat outside.

I was pleased to see John and Melanie today, friends who moved to Oakland. They look marvelous!