Buzzes

The busy beehive being built next door takes shape, already a jaw-dropping landmark. Once the spirit gets humming inside it will be a real powerhouse! This view from the kitchen of my office suite also includes, off to the left, the Bay Bridge, Golden Gate Bridge, and Angel Island. The view is probably the best thing about the kitchen, even when there is left over chocolate cake from a celebration of a comrad's wedding. Like today. We surprised our "permanent temp" clerk, Bernice, who recently married, with a cake and card and everyone's smiling presence in the big conference room. And surprised she was! Tears and shakes, but she was happy, joyous, and free. Her hubby joined her for lunch and had some cake too! Jane, another contractor, was moved to tears just by Bernice's tears. It was one of those natural moving moments among friends and friendly acquaintances that are for keeps.

I had another "migraine" yesterday. (See Amazing Brain Lightening from Dec. 30) I was rushed, suddenly had to change my plans between work and an evening meeting, detoured to KFC instead of real homecooking and noticed I couldn't read parts of the big-board menu on the wall. I couldn't make out the shimmering ringlet as before; this time there was just a blind spot and the eerie lightness sensation as in the winter event. The blind spot was there with either eye closed. Ironically, just 10 minutes before, I had been speaking with literature depot John and responded to his inquiry, "I'm in good health". I jinxed it!?! Also different this time was a headachey tenderness that came as the vision returned and lingered through today into this very moment. Ominously, all today I felt such fatigue and foggy confusion -- I was able to concentrate on work topics but could not filter out all the normal ambient distractions. My sense is that this event was brought on by general distress, the previous by Gingko Biloba and Gotu Kola.

I have to relax my grip, I cannot make things better than they are. I need to open to what is actually happening, not try to possess and fit it to my view.

...Lust is slightly blameworthy, but it is slow to change.
Malice is highly blameworthy, but it is quick to change.
Delusion is highly blameworthy, and it is slow to change...
For someone who does not attend deeply, delusion arises;
or if it has already arisen, tends to strengthen and spread.

Anguttara Nikaya, Book of Threes, 68.

I've spent most of my time studying Tibetan teachers of the Mahayana tradition, and only lately come to deep appreciation and gratitude for the recorded dharma talks of two Theravadan monks: Ajahn Sucitto and Thanissaro Bhikkhu. I've been spending a lot of time with my iPod focused on Venerable Ajahn Sucitto in particular. I am prepared now to hear what he is saying.

There is now a buzzing in my limbs. Fatigue coming on strong today. I should finish here.