Last day of the year

10:30 am. Rising at last. Indulged in major "rest" today to combat this cold, and I believe I've dodged the miserable fevered beginnings of the cold. Now it is just sinus and fatigue, and some sneezing and coughing, but I feel pretty good. Decaf coffee with Silk, then plenty of plain green tea.

Spent most of the day in Bug's room, reading and listening to Dharma teacher and Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh. (That's Bug "resting" on his couch.) Reading about food, nutrition and exercise. Thinking about how it is relatively easy to make a list of new routines to blend into my days/weeks and how difficult (and guilt-ridden) it can be to fail to get the routines in place. One thing that is different for me today is being able to let go of hard-fast changes and instead to give myself the whole year to work on changes. It is productive for me to work change in achievable amounts, and opening up the schedule allows that, but it also helps the planning to be joyful rather than dreary.

A very strong desire for the coming year is to work on reading my Dharma books collection. The photo shows my Buddhist bookshelf (the shelves on right), of which I've managed to read close to one shelf's books in the last two years. I've developed such satisfying understanding and practices from reading that the desire to absorb the remaining books is now a deep yearning. Reading is not a straight-forward activity, it has all kinds of requirements and quirks. I've been fortunate and I'm grateful for how this has worked out.

11:45 am. I spoke with my sister, June, today. Even though she has chronic back pain she always makes that personal connection when we speak that is unique to brother and sister. I wore her out a bit but I'm so glad to speak with her, especially lately.

1:00 pm. Continued with a few chores this afternoon. Reordered vitamins and set out my week's worth, which together actually takes about 45 minutes to complete. Continued to convert audio cassettes into MP3 files for storage and listening on convenient systems. (I have RocketFM on my PC which lets me broadcast the PC's audio to any/all FM radios in the house. And I can make CDs from the PCs, too. Our son, Gray, gave mom his old iPod at xmas, and I'm thinking about borrowing it to listen to Dharma talks while going for walks. I've been fortunate lately in finding many such talks on cassette recordings at local used book stores.) Cleaned out all the semi-important-looking junk mail that I usually toss to the side of the desk, shredding much that I don't want to place in the trash as is. That took a while too. Went through my clothes closet and put together 3 big bags of clothes to donate. Took them down to the local Gaia bin, farewell my old sneakers...


6:30 pm. Uh oh. That didn't work out very well. Gaia seems to not be what I thought. I Googled it while writing the above and found googles of complaint and bad mojo about the organization. I just got back from driving over to the bins with the intent of pulling my bags out and taking them to the local Salvation Army. But when I got there there was a homeless person pacing around (this is a 7-11 parking lot) and his bicycle with trailer was parked by the bins. He stared at me and I stared back, and lost my nerve. I had thought on the drive over, what if police catch me pulling my bags out of the bin, but it didn't occur to me that a much more effective deterant would be waiting ("Hey, man, get outta there!!!"). I drove around a while, thought about my dilema, and came back to see if he'd left. Nope. But by then I had "let go" of the clothes. There's plenty more in the garage and other closets.

The problem with "good deeds" is trying to guarantee some benefit to others, trying to make sure your getting the most for your charity. But you never know what someone will do with the money you give: a panhandler asks for money for food and then gets high. What I've learned is that the greatest benefit is in cracking through my miserly grip on stuff, especially my sense of self-importance. The giving makes a better world, giving without the expectation of some reward -- although I'd still rather see the clothes directly help someone without clothes!